I’ve always been the loner type, all the way back to grade school. I’ve never needed much social energy to get me by. In fact, too much of it is exhausting, so I can come across cold. I’m protecting myself, but frankly, I hate the bullshit associated with acquaintances anyway. That’s why I’ve gravitated to those endeavors that put you at the helm: solo sports, solo hobbies, solo travel.
Being alone isn’t a burden, it’s a gift. It allows you the time necessary to process and hone the trajectory of your life’s path, but some people don’t like that. A hell of a lot more don’t like themselves, so the more they stare at someone else’s face, the better...until that is, they realize the only person they’re looking at is themselves.
Whether you’re with someone, or alone, you only see you. That’s why it’s so damn hard maintaining relationships, but get comfortable with it, or work on it until you’re satisfied, because those are the only two options. You will follow yourself wherever you go, in every relationship you have, so take your time, hurry up. Choice is yours, don’t be late. ***Thanks Kurt***
That’s why I refuse to follow. I lead, even if no one is trailing behind, because that’s the only option. Leading and following are the same choice. They come from the same place, but the outcome of your choosing, which is strengthened self reliance, is entirely different.
Lead, only ever lead, you don’t know who’s learning from you.
As I’ve come of age, maturing with every mistake, really digging these ideas, I’ve begun embracing that I’m not a loner. I’m an individual. There’s a very big gap between the two and if you get what I’m saying, you get what that means.
Ultimately, circumstances will change. Oh they’ll change. Security devolves to insecurity, chaos will eventually organize. It’s what happens. It’s up to your perspective, your perspective alone, so be absolutely solid in the relationship you have with yourself.
Externalities be damned.
If we don’t click, it isn’t personal. I’ve put my whole life into becoming the person I am today. At times, maybe I’m too selective, but how you live, who you allow into your orbit, and what you aim at, all impacts your energy’s brilliance.
Choose wisely, let go. It isn’t up to you anyway.
And if all else fails, and you find yourself going it alone, try your best to be kind.
A twisted hand with half gnawed fingernails, sporting blood raw cuticles, clutched the stainless steel handrail next to my seat. It belonged to a woman of a hard fifty years. She was balding, missing most of the body in her hair, much like what a little girl’s doll becomes after years of abuse, and her scalp shown through.